I miss myself

I don’t even know why the thought came in to my mind. Is it that I am not satisfied with myself or may be I wanted to be someone else who I am not? As time goes by and life seems to get better, why do I miss a part of me? Is it something or someone!! As it is said, you come to know what you had only when you loose it.

What is it that I lost? Even if I try to recollect I cannot. So why am I missing myself. How stupid of me to miss myself!! Isn’t it? But that is the truth. From an outsiders perspective, I might be the happiest of them all, not exactly that someone would envy upon but at least someone who no one would mind being one. The harder I try to reach out and touch my goal, the farther it moves away from me. The more I think of achieving it, the more unachievable it seems to get. Am I chasing a shadow or is it the star that only shines when I dream. I don’t even know if it’s even possible for me to be what I want to be. But then I ask myself why is it then that I chase it, when somewhere in my heart in know I cannot touch it, because it doesn’t exist. Why don’t I just give up, stay down and be happy.

But then… life seems even more confusing. Sometimes going through the day, the routine, I stop for a moment and think, “oh my god, I am actually alive. I can feel things, I can move, I can observe, I can make people smile and cry. I am so potent.” That suddenly makes me feel to push myself harder, to do things I never imagined I could ever do. To touch the sun with a single leap.

May be it’s this never ending dilemma, that makes me miss myself. The moment I feel the life in me, I miss my other part and the moment I meet with a failure, a stumbling block, it drains out everything. Should it happen, why does it happen? I guess it’s only me who could answer it.

May be I did not have such thoughts when I was born, or may be I did, but I was too small and too pure to understand it. Is it what the world has taught me, to be pursuing happiness and to be eternally unhappy? So the question remains, why do I miss myself? I guess everyone has such a thought, or may be it’s just me. Why can’t I just be what I want to be, why do I always have to be someone else? When I look around, I see everyone pretending to be the person they just want to be, but never themself. The person inside you actually dies before you even realize it. And when do you realize it, may be someday you are alone, thinking about yourself or may be when someone dear to you hurts you or may be when you see them happy.

To be so close to your self and still missing it is a thought that seems unrealistic. But then that’s true, the thing that’s too close to you, never ever are you concerned about it and it starts going away from, the day comes when you loose it completely and then the realization. It’s like this watch or a ring that you always knew you have it kept safely, locked in a cupboard, but then one day when you open it, you realise it isn’t there anymore!!! When, how!!! You never understand. That’s the reality. Understand yourself. Don’t fail to recognise the person who looks back from the mirror. Be yourself and leave the rest to the destiny. Nurture yourself, may be that’s the way the almighty wanted us to be.

 

-          From someone who is still trying to find out who he really is